Christmas Myths

Angels were Singing to the Shepherds

One angel appeared and told the shepherds the good news, and then a whole host burst in like they couldn't wait to let the solitary angel finish telling this spectacular news unsecured loans without help. We generally call this declaration of praise “the angels song” but the actual words do not mention singing at all, only crying out which is not song but a loud exclamation closer to what we would consider cheering or shouting. We have made it be a song but the words in Luke 2:13 actually says just that they “said” or “cried out.”

Angels were at the Birth

This is mainly based on a misunderstanding of the Biblical text. The Bible says that the angels appeared to the shepherds at the time of Jesus birth, but there is nothing mentioned bad credit loans about specifically being at the birth. The angels did not go with the shepherds as guides like the star did for the magi. The Arabic Infancy Gospel and the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew both record angelic beings of some kind there.

Animals were at the Birth

This comes from several apocryphal gospels, especially the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew. It also simply makes sense that if Jesus was born in a stable (possible, but not in the Bible) there would be animals there. But just as the Bible doesn't actually mention Jesus being born in a stable it also doesn't mention any animals.

Born in a Stable

We don't know that. The Bible only says that after he was born his parents put Jesus into a manger. This does not mean that they were in a stable, however, as it would have served as the cheapest and most convenient temporary crib away from their own home. The apocryphal gospel of Pseudo-Matthew says that Jesus was born in a cave and then several days later they moved into a stable. This is interpreted so that (Isaiah 1:3) is fulfilled, “the ox knows his master and the donkey his master's crib.”

Born in a Cave

This comes from logic mainly. The idea is accepted that Jesus was born in a stable, right or wrong. But wood was not common in Israel and so caves were used more often than not to house animals. The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew and the Arabic Infancy Gospel also mention Jesus being born in a cave. But the Bible itself does not mention this.

A Bright Light Surrounded Jesus at Birth

This is what we see in most icons and paintings from the early church, though most did not mean it literally. But the idea that Jesus did literally glow or that there was a bright light surrounding his birth has nothing to do with the gospels in the Bible. It is a Gnostic idea that somehow Jesus was not fully human, just parading as human. A lot of people simply couldn't believe that God could enter the world so quietly and so wrote the story their way with a lot more glamour. This can be found in the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, the Gospel of James, and the Arabic Infancy Gospel.

Gifts Made Jesus Wealthy

There really is no basis for this view. Many people seem to believe it for some reason, however. But immediately after receiving the gifts from the magi, Jesus' family fled to Egypt for quite a few years. Such an exodus would have been very expensive and so it is likely (though not mentioned scripturally) that the Magi's gifts were used to keep the family alive through those years. We do know that Jesus needed to get a coin from a fish's mouth in order to pay taxes later in life, however, so later in life he definitely was not wealthy.

An Innkeeper is Involved

There is an assumption that in the Bible Mary and/or Joseph have a conversation with an innkeeper. This comes from that there were no rooms “for them” in the inn. The assumption is that they were told this by an innkeeper. This makes sense and is quite probable, but is not contained in scripture. It is possible that everyone simply knew this to be the case, or that everyone knew that no unmarried pregnant woman would be welcome at the inn, openings or no. The Bible emphasizes "for them" over "no room," possibly indicating that they asked all over and were turned down (the imperfect tense of the verb would seem to back this up as well).

The scriptural emphasis on that verse is that in a land where you were expected to be hospitable to everyone, even those you don't know, these two young people were so shunned they couldn't find a place to stay in their ancestral hometown where everyone was distant family. Not even the inn (mainly for gentiles and) wouldn't take them.

Jesus did not Cry

I cannot find the book that this is from, but there is no root for it in the Bible. From all accounts Jesus was completely normal in his humanity. And normal babies cry. This idea that he was somehow less than fully human to make room for his godhood is heresy. All babies cry, that's how their lungs start working, with a good cry. Jesus cried, because Jesus lived.

Magi were at the Birth

Perpetuated mainly through nativity sets, we often assume that the Magi were actually saw Christ on the day of his birth along with the shepherds, but that was when they began their journey. From the age that Herod executed all the children of that age and under, it was probably one to two years after Jesus' birth that the magi finally arrived, especially as the Bible specifically mentions that they were now in a house.

Mary Felt no Pain at the Birth

The idea is that there was compensation to Mary for birthing Jesus, that something a mundane as pain or blood can't have been involved in God's birth. This is found in the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew. The Bible, on the other hand, without using details makes a point of emphasizing how normal and unremarkable everything was unless you looked closely. That means pain, mess, the whole nine yards.

Mary Rode in on a Donkey

This is one of the most deeply ingrained myths, but fortunately one of the least damaging. The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew and the Gospel of James makes a point of saying that Mary rode on a donkey, but the gospels in the Bible do not mention this at all. It is a minor point, but illustrates well how so much of what we think about Christmas comes from outside of scripture.

Mary was an Official Virgin, or a Perpetual Virgin

There are an amazing amount of myths about Mary. Most center around the idea that she too had to have been something amazingly special in order to birth the Messiah. One version is that she was set aside as she was born to be an official virgin and basically lived in the temple. This story tried to make her virginity less questioned and more certain, and hence Jesus' miraculous birth confirmed. It is found in the Gospel of the Nativity of Mary and the Gospel of James. This has no roots in the Bible as we know nothing about Mary until she was engaged to Joseph.

Another version, that the Roman Catholic Church ascribes to, is that after Jesus' birth Mary continued to remain a virgin even after Jesus' birth. The Bible only says that Joseph “had no union with her until she gave birth to a son” (Matthew 1:25). This implies they slept together afterwards. The idea that Mary was a perpetual Virgin comes from the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew.

Three Kings Came to Visit

We sing about it, we preach on it, we assume that there were three kings who came to worship Jesus. But not only does the Bible not say they were kings (it says they were magi, magicians, probably Zoroastrian astrologers) it also does not mention any number of magi coming. The notion that there were three comes from the fact that the Bible mentions there being three gifts. The assumption we make is that each magi brought a gift but there is nothing to suggest this interpretation in scripture itself. Not even the apocryphal works mention this idea.

The World Went Silence When Jesus was Born

This is a myth popularized in the song “Silent Night” but is not found in scripture, or even most apocryphal works. The idea is that when Jesus was born the entire world went silent out or respect for what God was doing and because it was such a big thing. Again, this goes against the scriptural notion that everyone passed this birth by when it happened

The Star Was an Angel

You hear mention of this from time to time, that the star which appeared over Jesus was in fact an angel in star form. There isn't even a hint of this in scripture, and instead comes from the Arabic Infancy Gospel. 

pogonophobia

There it is. It’s big, disgusting, and fuzzy. It looks like a unsecured loans caterpillar. And it’s on your friend’s face. You can’t stand to be around him. You want to run upstairs and grab that Barbasol and razor. When he hugs you it scratches your cheek. EW.

Pogonophobia is the fear of beards. So you’re a man with facial hair, bad credit loans sorry dude. Don’t blame me if someone vomits at the sight of your face. Yup, one moment you think you’re all cool, walking down the street, and then, all of a sudden, BAM someone faints. Insta-anxiety.

Pogonophobiacs tend to be specific about their fears. Some are afraid of mustaches, while others fear full on beards. Don’t forget those sideburns, kids. On seeing a bearded man (or woman..I guess?), Pogonophobiacs tend to have: a feeling of panic, terror, and dread, rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, nausea, dry mouth, and trembling.

So if you’re a man (or a very hairy lady), and you ever cross paths with a Pogonophobiac, don’t take it personally. Or at least try not to when they scream at the sight of you. (:

Arrr! We be the pirate guys, matey.

Or, in another vernacular, we are guys, John Baur and Mark Summers. And that really should be all you need to know about the origins of Talk Like a Pirate Day. We're guys. Not men, with responsibility and suits and power ties. We're guys, with all that that implies. But here are the details.

Once upon a time -- on June 6, 1995, to be precise -- we were playing racquetball, not well but gamely. It wasn't our intention to become "the pirate guys." Truth to tell, it wasn't really our intention to become anything, except perhaps a tad thinner and healthier, and if you could see our photos, you'd know how THAT turned out. As we flailed away, we called out friendly encouragement to each other unsecured loans -"Damn, you bastard!" and "Oh, jeez, my hamstring!" for instance - as shots caromed away, unimpeded by our wildly swung rackets.

On this day, for reasons we still don't quite understand, we started giving our encouragement in pirate slang. Mark suspects one of us might have been reaching for a low shot that, by pure chance, might have come off the wall at an unusually high rate of speed, and strained something best left unstrained. "Arrr!," he might have said.

Who knows? It might have happened exactly that way.

Anyway, whoever let out the first "Arrr!" started something. One thing led to another. "That be a fine cannonade," one said, to be followed by "Now watch as I fire a broadside straight into your yardarm!" and other such helpful phrases.

By the time our hour on the court was over, we realized that lapsing into pirate lingo had made the game more fun and the time pass more quickly. We decided then and there that what the world really needed was a new national holiday, Talk Like A Pirate Day.

First, we needed a date for the holiday. As any guy can tell you, June 6 is the anniversary of World War II's D-Day. Guys hold dates like that in reverence and awe so there was no way we could use June 6.

Mark came up with September 19. That was and is his ex-wife's birthday, and the only date he could readily recall that wasn't taken up with something like Christmas or the Super Bowl or something. We also decided -- right then and there on the court on June 6, 1995 -- that the perfect spokesman for our new holiday was none other than Dave Barry himself, nationally syndicated humor columnist and winner of the Pulitzer by-God Prize. So, naturally, we forgot all about it.

For seven years we celebrated International Talk Like a Pirate Day pretty much on our own, with our friend Brian Rhodes actually reminding us that the event was coming up. Frankly, we usually forgot exactly when Talk Like a Pirate Day was supposed to be or even that there was such a thing. Brian bad credit loans is one of those guys who programs every important event into his computer so that a reminder pops up the day before. John and Mark may be the founders of Talk Like a Pirate Day, but Brian is certainly the midwife, or godfather or something. (Have a cigar, Brian!)

Things would probably have continued indefinitely on that low-key note until John, Mark and Brian were little old pirates in the Home for Retired Sea Dogs. We had a national holiday that almost nobody knew about, and we were content with that.

Except for one happy accident. One day in early 2002, John chanced upon Dave Barry's e-mail address. As the entire universe knows, Dave Barry is a syndicated columnist and the author of somewhere between four and 6,000 books and the second funniest man in the universe. We were two guys (three if you count Brian, and that seems only fair,) but Dave (we call him Dave now, though he probably doesn't know it. Mr. Barry would probably be more appropriate, but, well, you know.) anyway, Dave is like a whole parade with brass bands and elephants. We reasoned that Dave would be able to bring attention to Talk Like A Pirate Day in a way that Mark and John (and Brian) wouldn't be able to if we lived to be 200. Ambition suddenly burned bright, and sending e-mails is a very easy thing to do. Which is why we finally got around to contacting him.

The first e-mail introduced us, and told him about our great idea -- Talk Like a Pirate Day. We knew he wouldn't be able to resist. Then we offered him the only thing we had, the chance to be official national spokesman for the event.

We clicked the send button, casting our bread upon the water, if we may wax Biblical.

Surprisingly, we had an answer in a matter of days. We had assumed a famous guy like Dave Barry would have more important things to do than read the e-mail of a couple of louts with a hare-brained idea. It turns out, louts like us are where he gets a lot of his column material.

It's a great idea, he said, (actually "very excellent" were his exact words, in case you're keeping score.) But then he asked the fatal question.

"Have you guys actually DONE anything about this? Or are you counting on me to carry the ball here?"

Very perceptive of him. The way we answered would be crucial in bringing Barry aboard. We decided on the truth, with a lot of ass kissing thrown in.

"Well, we've talked like pirates every Sept. 19, and we've encouraged our several friends to," John wrote in reply. And Mark put it in perspective when he wrote, "We are dinghy-sized-talk-like-a-pirate kinda guys, but you, Dave ... you are like a frigate-huge-sized-talk-like-a-pirate kinda guy."

In early September, John got a phone call from the feature editor at the local paper, someone he had worked with for several years before leaving the newspaper business (But that's a different story.) She sounded confused.

"John, I was editing this week's Dave Barry column and it's about ... Is this you?"

And hell broke loose.

The 10 greatest NHL mustaches for Movember 2011

The Clutterbuck.

An epic tangle of facial fur that can be seen from low Earth orbit, or at the very least from Bemidji. A mustache so powerful that it barely moves during one of Cal Clutterbuck's(notes) 3.8 hits per game; unsecured loans or, if the Minnesota Wild are playing at home, his 38 hits per game.

Like dozens of other NHL players, he's growing it out for Movember, the month-long effort to raise funds and awareness for men's health issues by growing fabulous facial hair throughout November.

Alas, Clutterbuck is one of those players who already had a head-start, rocking the 'stache well before November began. This doesn't diminish the glory of it, but it does place him outside our 10 Greatest NHL Mustaches for Movember 2011, which does favor a blank canvas before the growing begins.

Just like last season, we'll reveal the 10 best at the end of the month, but felt it appropriate to give this progress report as we reach the middle of the Movember race. We've no doubt missed a few, and feel free to alert us in the comments. But overall, we feel these 10 NHL players ... OK, NHL people ... are an impressive lot.

Enjoy.

And here ... we ... go.

10. Karl Alzner(notes), Washington Capitals

The Capitals defenseman makes the list as a representative of all the fair-haired players in the League attempting to participate in Movember, and because we know he's going to move up the ranking by month's end. No one can sprout this Chia Pet on their face during the playoffs and not be a solid contender for 'Stache of the Season eventually.

9. Ron Wilson, Toronto Maple Leafs

One of two coaches on the list so far this year. We're not entirely sure if it's the Leafs' struggles this month of the spirit or Movember filling his follicles, but Ron Wilson appears to be slowly morphing into Wilfred Brimley. Kessel's being fueled by Quaker Oats! We knew it!

8. Tim Thomas(notes), Boston Bruins

A classic, of course. It's not really out of the ordinary to see Thomas rock the 'stache, but it remains one of the better ones in the NHL. No truth to the rumor that he's grown it out just so he can eventually tear it off and beat Patrick Kaleta(notes) if he runs Thomas next week.

Also, Timmay earns a spot here by virtue of having his mask participate in Movember as well.

7. Carey Price(notes), Montreal Canadiens

Price doesn't gain any points for originality, having done the same 'stache last season. But consider this one the "Saturday Night Live" sketch of NHL facial hair: Repetitive but ultimately rewarding. Unless it's Kristen Wiig as the Target Lady. Please no more of that ever.

6. Brent Burns(notes), San Jose Sharks

Tough break for Burns here. Taken on its own, this is the kind of quality mustache you'd expect to see resting on the brim of a can of Milwaukee's Best. But his mustache was so [expletive] nutty last year, it's impossible not to feel like the 2011 version didn't live up to standards.

5. Kenndal McArdle(notes), Winnipeg Jets

Full marks to reader Jordan Anseeuw for pointing us in the direction of this Jets forward. Zach Bogosian(notes) gets some attention for his Movember effort. But McArdle's Richard Pryor-like 'stache is simply outstanding. What better way to honor the opening of the new Muppets movie than by looking like Gordon from Sesame Street?

4. Nate Thompson(notes), Tampa Bay Lightning

One of the first Movember mustaches we noticed, and still one of the best halfway through the month. Anytime your 'stache is groomed to resemble a Recognizer from "TRON", you're alright by us.

3. Dan Bylsma, Pittsburgh Penguins

"Disco" Dan Bylsma is sporting a duster that makes him look like a high school history teacher and/or Jude Law as Dr. Watson. Maybe he can get Sherlock on the case of Paul Martin(notes) and the Missing Plus Rating.

2. Vernon Fiddler(notes), Dallas Stars

It's like he went to bed as Vernon Fiddler and woke up as Robin Williams from "The Birdcage." A very impressive 'stache … but not the most impressive and/or creepiest.

1. Jaromir Jagr(notes), Philadelphia Flyers

ARRRGH!

Jagr's Movember effort earns the top spot because he dared to go with the Fu Manchu. From CSN Philly:

Jagr was discussing his contribution to Movember, a Fu Manchu that's received a lot of positive feedback from Flyers fans. Jagr said he elected to go with the Fu Manchu because he'd look kind of funny and bad — as opposed to just bad, which he figured he'd look if he had only a mustache.
Then he added: "If I had only a mustache I'd look like that guy."  He was pointing at Inquirer writer Sam Carchidi.  Jagr grinned and added, "porno!

If only. Another look at Jagr's 'stache:

We're also giving Jagr the clubhouse lead because we've seen how very wrong his facial hair can get; for example, when he had a fro hawk on his face with the Rangers.